Han Solo P.I.!!!!

Origins of Christmas, Part 1

With December approaching fast, and everyone’s favourite holidays on their minds, I thought I would do a little research into where this holiday actually originated. Though many would say, well you’re a dumb fuck, errybody knows Christmas is the celebration of Jesus’ birthday. Though in time you will see this is true in a sense, I obviously wouldn’t be writing this if I had not discovered otherwise. The birth of Jesus Christ was actually the first research I had actually gone into in depth.

I would first off like to state that this is not an attempt to dispute the existence of Jesus, or any type of god, or disprove the concept of religion. Those who have known me for a while will know that was a hobby of mine, but I am past that stage now. This article is about the the origins of a holiday, nothing else.

Anywho, as pointed out earlier, the first part of this discussion is about the birthdate of Christ. I thought this an appropriate starting point since this is widely believed to be the true origin of the holiday. Of course we all know that Jesus was supposèd to have been born on December 25th, 1 AD. Of course, that date has since been disputed, and many know believe it to be somewhere around the date of 5 B.C., but the year is not exactly pertinent to this discussion. Now, the first clue as to why many scholars (including Christian scholars) believe the 25th of December to not in fact be the date of Christ’s birth is due to the fact that it is not stated in the bible anywhere that Jesus was born on the 25th of December. In fact, there is no exact date referenced at all in the bible as to his date of birth. Though this was not the only clue. Take for example the three wisemen that travelled to Jesus upon his birth bearing gifts (which is the general thought of why we give gifts to each other on Christmas). Note that Jesus was born in Israel, which as we know is a country in the middle east. Be that as it may, it was still a country that suffered the hardships of winter. Though winter may not have been as extreme as we feel it, temperatures would still drop as low as 0oC. Once again, that may not seem like much, but to a people that experience a tropical climate during the summer, that drop is fairly intense. Also note that the tale goes that they were following the north star, meaning it was winter time, making temperatures even cooler. They would as well not have the same types of warm clothing that we cover ourselves with today, therefore increasing the negative effects of the cold. This revelation could have meant one of two things. Either Jesus was not born in December, or the kings travelled much later after the birth of Christ than we have been led to believe. Also, shepherds were seen in the fields watching over their flocks at night. This was not done during winter time as the flocks were not left outside during winter.

Now of course, this brings the question of when exactly was Jesus born? Well, sources in the bible hint that John the Baptist was conceived while his father Zechariah was serving in the course of Abijah, which was believed to be in early June. This would place John’s birth 9 months later in the month of March. We also know that he was six months older than Christ, so that would place Jesus’ birth around the month of September. Some people (normally a little more paranoid than others) have placed his birth on the date of September 11th.

So, based on the information displayed here, it is quite likely that the birth of Jesus Christ was not in December, but likely in the fall months. This would also show that the birth of Jesus was not exactly where the first celebrations of Christmas originate from*.



*But it still plays a factor, pay attention to further posts to discover what I mean.

-Jared
mtfbwy

The Most Epic Artwork Known to Mankind

Yes, yes it is Boba Fett fighting Deadpool. Epic.

LIP RING!

So at the peer pressure jeers of three girls and a body piercer I randomly got a lip ring today. It didn't really hurt that much, just a slight pinch but that was it. Basically I'm putting the pic up to solidify my manliness and superiority over Jared because he's too much of a pussy to let needles near him . "Oh look my name is Jared, I'm a big pussy, oh no I can't get my hep b shot I'm scared of needles"

-Evan

Some Buttery Ass Stashportation tips

Damn son, gotta get me some 23 fluid ounces of storage space.

Inappropriate? More like bang on.

Step aside John Williams, your position has been usurped by Stan Bush. Throw in some Fight to Survive and Never Surrender and you have the ultimate soundtrack. Now if you'll excuse I have to go watch Transformer the animated movie.

Today I woke up around 8:00 am, but quickly fell back asleep and woke up again at 11. I ate some cereal, and ran out of milk. later I went to the corner store and bought some more. I also purchased bread and two cans of arizona. One green tea with ginsing and honey, the other fruit punch. I then had pizza for dinner.

-Jared

Greatest Trivium cover I have ever seen

I love Spongebob, watch it all the time. I especially love when they play hard ass fucking metal.

PUUULLLLL!!! HAARRDERRR!!!!! STRIINNGSSS!!!!! MARTYYRRRR!!!!!

Oh the various ues of adamantium...

The fact that wonder woman can breach the Marvel-DC universes to score an adamantium dildo and anal beads impresses me...

Nerd or not, you know you want it.

Philosophy with Jared

So basically I was bored and just started thinking about things and came up with this little blurb. Its really more just a random thought that I organized into writing, but then again, isn't that what philosophy is all about? Anywho, this is what I ended up with.

Why Laws are Dumb

I would like to start off by stating what a law is. A law is a rule or injunction defined by the major governing body or authority in a community, establishment, country etc. that must be obeyed. Each law defined by said figure of authority or body is defined on a basis of what is morally right or wrong according to those that are defining the law.
Now morality is something that we perceive in life to be right or wrong, or acceptable or unacceptable. The thing is that morality differs from person to person, and what may be right to some maybe be completely appalling to others (current example being topics such as abortion or stem cell research). Now though there may be certain things that the general public may agree on morally, there is not always a 100% chance that everyone feels the same way. Unfathomable as it may seem, some people might be convinced that is morally okay to commit acts of murder. As we know, the general public view murder as a morally unacceptable action. This of course is a very extreme example, but it will serve the purpose nonetheless.
Now we come back to the law portion of this little blurb. As I stated earlier, laws are defined by what is morally acceptable or unacceptable and apply to a large group or population. But as we know, morals are defined on an individual basis. If this is true, then if someone were to, say, use an illegal substance such as recreational drugs and saw nothing wrong with it, he could potentially be charged or arrested for such an act. It is in is belief that there is nothing wrong in what he's doing, and being punished for doing so. Therefore he is being punished based on his individual beliefs, which falls under the category of discrimination, which is also against the law, and the ones persecuting the offender should also be charged. But of course they are under the impression that they are morally right, and to prosecute them for discrimination would also be discrimination, and so it becomes a never ending circle of discrimination.

If you have any problems with what I have written and would like to debate this with me, you can go piss yourself and lick your dog's nuts. I don't debate, as that would insinuate that I am trying to prove something right. I am not. I am merely expressing an opinion of mine out of sheer boredom and lack of interesting things to do at the time. If you would like to discuss the topic, feel free to comment or email or facebook, hell, write a fucking letter I don't give a shit (though if you do I may not respond due to the fact that that's just dumb. But I will take your views into consideration, then openly make fun of you on this blog in my next post). Well, now I've wasted another 5 minutes of your life, enjoy!

(and yes, I understand the lameness of the comic strip, but I don't really care)

-Jared

Well fuck you too Vegeta

-Jared

Transformation Complete!

Cellblock and everyone from the University of Waterloo who came out last night support Boy Alex and his complete transformation from the level of "college frat boy drunk" to the status of "drunk trailer park supervisor Jim Lahey". Boy Alex successfully completed over 20 shots as well as a plethora of whiskey sours at Phil's last night. Got bounced, defaced public property and ran from the cops. He got picked up on the street and brought back to my house where he proceeded to puke in the Mosque's garden and fall down my stairs. Congratulations Alex!

BOY ALEX'S BIRTHDAY TONIGHT!

So tonight Boy Alex turns the big 2-0! We're all going to Phil's for $2.25 drinks, should be a sloppy night. To all my friends reading the blog head out to Phil's for a night of sloppiness. Don't bother buying him a gift he's a jewish dragon so he'll be a miser and just hoard all his gifts and never use them, the cheap son of a bitch (seriously he has a fully stocked liquer cabinet/bar and refuses to drink or even open anything, he just likes looking at it). Buy him a drink for 2 bucks and it should be an awesome night! Happy Birthday "Boy" Alex Wolf!


-Evan

Kimbo Slice Gets PWND Once Again

I have to give the guy credit, he's a humble man willing to put everything on the line to learn, but he just doesn't have the tools yet to be in the UFC, I mean the position he was in, we practice that escape everyday, it's basic. I know Roy Nelson is a big fucker but it looked like he just gave up.

http://www.mmatko.com/kimbo-slice-vs-roy-nelson-fight-video-tuf-10-episode-3/

-Evan

Fuck Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Amazing Bubble Man

This is one of the craziest things I've seen. I mean who can make a square out of bubbles? Impossible you say? Watch this shit and hold onto your potato Dr. Jones!



-Evan

Bread Kills!

I was using stumbleupon.com out of boredom and came accross this hilarious article of why bread is officially the doom-bringer of our society. Enjoy!

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.

5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:

• 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
• 100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
• 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
• 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
• 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.

6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all people born before 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

7. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!

8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and being fed only water begged for bread after as little as two days.

10. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

12. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

monster-island.org/tinashumor/humor/breadkills.html

-Evan

This Kid is Officially my Hero!

see more Fail Blog


-Evan

We all Know Martinez' Stuff is the BOMB!

Tyrone Biggums Classroom Visit - More bloopers are a click away

-Evan

Fucking Seth Mcfarlane

It has recently come to my attention that Seth Mcfarlane has another animated series. Now I know that this knowledge has been out for quite sometime, but after having watched it, I say, what the fuck Seth Mcfarlane? Number one: you already have two ongoing animated series, one of which is constantly being referenced and quoted in day to day life. Number two: they are both not really that funny. Some people might say "oh, what the hell are you talking about? Family is fucking hilarious." No, not really. It is a moderately humorous show, whose jokes do not derive from, or pertain to the plot and events that occur at the time of their delivery. The show has been more or less reduced to a twenty-two minute compilation of random flashbacks and cut-scenes of situations that have no bearing on anything mixed with a few small elements of plot-line. Now, this is where you say, "but it's the randomness that so hilarious." I would agree that to some extent there is humour in the randomness, but for the most part it is just completely ridiculous and not really funny at all. That being said, I was a fan of the show in its earlier years. I found that there was the right amount of randomness mixed with an okay amount of plot-driven jokes, and lots of references to pop culture (something tha i enjoy very much), but over the past couple of years it has evolved into the lifeless unimaginative show i described earlier. I also have a theory that Seth Mcfarlane is doing this on purpose, to see how pointless he can make the show and see if people will still find it laugh out loud hilarious, because he knows that if the media portrays his show as funny, and since he already developed a strong fan base, people will still think he s a comic genius, and if I were in the position, I would probably do the same, just to see how succeptable people were to media suggestion.

I think most people would also agree that Family Guy is also a lot funnier than American Dad, this is something that i would also disagree with. I prefer American Dad to Family Guy because its jokes derive and pertain almost directly to the plot lines, and is not completely random.

Bringing me back to the the thing that spurred this rant, The Cleveland Show. I didn't actually watch the entire show, because 1: I did not find it funny in anyway
and 2: just thought that it plain unecessary. even if you do have a highly successful series, there is no need for more than two. Look at the other highly popular animated comedies. Matt Groening has The Simpsons, which is also widely viewed as a hilarious show, and as harboured great success with this show. He also made Futurama, which in my opinion was better than The Simpsons, but its ratings did not fair as well and fox cancelled the show. Then there is Trey Parker and Matt Stone's South Park, another very funny show that draws its comedy from daily societal situations and events. This is their only television show that I know of and they do not need another one. All of the three shows I have mentioned are in my opinion substantially more entertaining than the funniest of Seth Mcfarlane's , which begs the question, why make another that is not in any way funnier than the two previous shows. Now, I'm not saying that they're completely horrible shows and nobody should watch them (though it most likely came out that way), but I just don't think that they're as funny as people make them out to be, so stop acting like it and let Mcfarlane know that The Cleveland Show was completely and utterly unnecessary.

Jared

Magneto's TRUE Identity

Behold!!! After recently revisting my childhood and watching a few episodes of X-Men the animated cartoon (the original series from the 90's, not that oussy shit that they're feeding the kids today), i witnessed some groundbreaking news. Now, i bet you're thinking, well Jared, Magneto's secret identity has been publicly known for a long time now, right? WRONG! Contrary to popular belief, the man underneath the helmet of the Master of Magnetism is not in fact Erik Magnus Lehnsherr, but actually.......Vegeta, Prince of the Saiyans. This would also mean that not only can Magneto control the magnetic forces surrounding the Earth, but can also concentrate his ki energy into powerful kinetic blasts and generate power levels of up to 264 000 000 when fully transformed.

Also I've been getting asked where I found the photo, well I made it with my own awesome mind after watching the episode, yes I am a genius, calm down.

Posted by Jared

Beast has a Problem with Cheating Bitches and Quicksilver is gay.

Beast I think she cheated because you've got a furry wang, you need to manscape you're savage land homie, girls don't dig guys who have Sauron flying around in their love jungle.

In search of Mjǫllnir

Recently being reminded that my favorite Marvel character, the "Merc with the Mouth", Deadpool once became Thor and donned the iconic character's garb (as well as the slightly retarded olde english demeanor), I made it my sole purpose of the evening to seek out a replica of Thor's hammer.












On my quest to find a suitable candidate I stumbled across this bad boy. Sweet Zombie Jesus this thing was beastly, but looked retarded as hell. I mean where's the inscription on the side? Honestly this is the lamest Thor replica hammer I have ever seen. Like wtf this baby is more likely to lop heads than strike fear into the evil-doers of the Marvel Universe. It's also 42 inches, what the hell am I going to do with that? It'd be like carrying a freaking midget around. It's apparently based off the Marvel Ultimates, the lame-ass reboot of Marvel characters (of which I do own ultimate spiderman #1 :/). The price tag is also 500 big fat ones. Fuck that shit David Blaine.



Now this fucker is THE Mjǫllnir!!! Has the inscription on the side, classic Thor. 18 inches, much more resonable to pulverize thugs with than that lameass 42 inches, but it's a whopping 18.5 pounds of solid metal. One hit from this baby, Thor or not, and your ass is grass. This is what i'm talking about, a real man's hammer.

-Evan